The Godless, Baby-Killing Sodomite

Because of the recent rulings in Iowa, Vermont, and eventually Washington D.C. , this seems as good a time as any to relate to everyone the truth of what gay marriage will look like in the year 1994.

I should have mentioned this weeks ago, but I’ll be on strike on this blog for a while.  Let’s say two months.

What’s the sound of two attention whores in a middle school girls’ bathroom?

I promise this is the last time I ever mention either Bill O’Reilly or Ann Coulter ever again.  But probably not.

The latest trend of the crazies is to claim to be victims.  Remember how they used to mock us for being victims all the time?  Things were so much simpler then. . .

Let’s start with Ann Coulter, the pretty pundit who we would like to bang if only we thought she believed in birth control (and maybe if she wasn’t a Nazi).  Coulter appeared on CBS’s The Early Show with Harry Smith yesterday to promote her new book that she plagarized from a 72 year old white supremacist living in the Mississippi wilderness.  Her main argument (and I use the word “argument” loosely) is that liberals have used their self-identified victimhood to attack conservatives, the real victims.  You can start laughing now.

SMITH: You don’t think as an African-American, that he [Obama] was at some greater risk?

COULTER: No, I do not. Because every presidential assassin — or attempted presidential assassin in the history of the nation has either been a liberal, a communist, an anarchist, someone on the left, or there were two who had no politics whatsoever unless you count John Hinckley, who is certifiably insane. So, you know, we have-

SMITH: Which goes back — which goes back to — to your basic point that everything that’s wrong with America is the left’s fault.

COULTER: No, I have — I wouldn’t have mentioned that all these presidential assassins were anarchists, communists, liberals, they were some form of, you know, basically Obama’s base, other than the fact that everyone keeps talking about Obama being at some unique risk. Well, I’m sorry, Sean Hannity’s at greater risk. Rush Limbaugh’s at greater risk. I promise you George Bush is at greater risk. He has been physically attacked two weeks ago. There’s a book fantasizing about George Bush’s assassination. There’s a movie — a documentary fantasizing about George Bush’s assassination. And there are more hits on going Google for Obama and assassination than Bush and assassination. So maybe we can stop talking about the threat of right-wing violence in a country that is teeming with left-wing violence.

Let me stop you there, Ann.  Sean Hannity has never had a group of rednecks arrested for plotting his assassination.  Rush Limbaugh has never had a song written about him titled, “Rush the Magic Cracker.”  And George Bush — George Bush had a shoe thrown at him from a newly liberated Iraqi.

The crazies have been in charge of this show for the past 233 years.  Gay marriage, abortion, prostitution, and marijuana still aren’t allowed in every single state in the US of A.  “In God We Trust” is still on our money, for Batman ’s sake!  And yet, there’s some sort of left-wing conspiracy, out to maintain the status quo of sex in schools and socialists in the White House.

Carve a B on your face and cry me a river.

And I know — I know – I’m attacking Ann Coulter now.  I’m playing the who’s-more-of-a-victim game.  But come on.  She started it.

SMITH: Here’s — here’s my only other serious point. You talk about victims and victimhood in America, which I think is a serious problem. On the other hand, the more I listen to your complaints, the more I kept thinking, well, you’re the whiner. You’re the one who’s claiming victimhood here. That you’re the victim of this great left-wing conspiracy-

COULTER: No, I’m not, but there are real victims.

SMITH: -if there was a real live left-wing conspiracy, how do you account for a Republican president being elected and then realizing it?

COULTER: It’s amazing, it happens because of the great wisdom of the American people. But the point is, I’m not saying I am the victim. I’m saying that by playing victim, real victims are created. You have millions of unborn babies. They are — they are real victims. You have the Duke lacrosse players, real victims. You have George Bush, the most persecuted, attacked, and assassination movies and books, president I think since Richard Nixon, you have Joe McCarthy, you have Robert Bork, you have Tom Delay. Everyone was identified as an oppressor — Sarah Palin-

Stop!  Stop, stop, stop!

Oy.  You can read the full transcript of the interview here , but I don’t recommend it.  I’ll put the rest of the crazies in their place tomorrow.  Until then, I have an unborn baby to kill.

Let’s talk about World War III .

Palestinians are killing Israelis and Israelis are killing Palestinians.  People are angry, they’re passionate, they’re seeking answers.  This is good.  But they cannot be looking for a scapegoat, for someone to blame.  We all keep saying we want peace, but we can never get there if we keep pointing fingers.

What I mean is, Israel can be told to chill out a little, but there’s a thin line between protesting Israel and protesting Jews.  Israel must stop its assault on Gaza, but the Palestinians must also stop being douchebags.  There’s been a lot of anti-Israel sentiments sweeping the US and the world, and it needs to stop.

Embedded video from <a href=”http://www.cnn.com/video”>CNN Video</a>

I support a two-state solution in Israel because I know that there’s nothing more precious than a human life — not money, not beliefs, and certainly not land.  Read this , join J Street , and show the world that supporting Israel means knowing when Israel must step down.

Happy New Year.

“Tripp”?!  Are you fucking kidding me?

The war on Christmas continues.  Number one on our list of demands: less Christmas music.

There is nothing this holiday season that will tell you more potently that it’s the holiday season than Christmas music.  It’s everywhere — in the stores, on the radio, on TV, there’s even people who come to your house to sing this shit.  It wouldn’t be a huge problem if Christmas music was diverse enough to warrant its own genre, but as it stands now, there are only twentyish different Christmas songs that play nonstop, all day, everyday.

All we’re demanding is a little break now and then.  Let’s say every other song is “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer” or “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”  Let’s say we get to hear a little Rage Against the Machine now and then or, your god forbid, some actual Hanukkah music.  We’ve got some great tunes, you know.  “Maoz Zur,” “Ocho Candelitas,” and I don’t have to remind you about “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel.”  There’s also this:

Happy Chanukah, everyone.

How’s the war going, comrades?  Have you mugged any Santas from the Salvation Army yet?  Keep fighting the good fight.

In case you haven’t been paying attention, I was given a “Lemonade Award” from both khlindsey at Polianic and Pauly T. Kal at Political Rants from the Right for showing “great Attitude and/or Gratitude.”  We’re going to change that right now.  Although I’m grateful, I just got an unnecessary blog award a couple months ago and strained to find five other blogs that I could pretend were better than my own.  And rather than having to discover twenty other blogs to pass the award on to, I’ve opted to end this nefarious scheme here.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I now present to you the uncoveted 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award.  Rather than recognizing web logs that provide insightful commentary into the world’s daily happenings , the 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award informs oblivious writers that their attempt to add meaningful dialogue to the Internet has failed.

The 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award is by no means a tool meant to embarass, belittle, or publicly humiliate poor blog writers.  It is an award that offers creative criticism to those who are surrounded by commentators too nice to relate the harsh truth.  The 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award cannot be given to any blog whose ideology you just happen to disagree with.  This award is intended for only the worst of the worst blogs, whose utter lack of proper grammar or well-founded ideas go far beyond the word “stinks,” and settles upon the exclusively terrible category of “sucks.”

I will now mark this historic moment in blogging history by passing on the very first award to allykat of Conservative Ally .  Congratulations, allykat, your constant disregard of rational thought and inability to write a post without bolding every other sentence has truly earned you the 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award.  Use it in good health.

Now all of you have to give the 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award to a blog that sucks.

It had a good run.  It’s been what, 1,500 years ?  Cool.  That seems like a good place to end it.

As I’ve mentioned before, there are other holidays out there, and more importantly, other religions .  The crazies can argue all they want that Christmas brings people together, but they’ll never understand what it feels like to get out of Hebrew school on a Wednesday afternoon and be greeted with a deceptively cheery “Merry Christmas” at the nearby arcade.  They’ll never understand the isolation felt in a department store, slathered with green and red ribbons and images of overweight pedophiles in pajamas, smiling, always smiling.  They’ll never understand the betrayal felt as their favorite sitcom characters — the only two-dimensional people they can actually relate to on this earth — sing with smiles, “We’re not like you.”

In the year 2000, only 76.5% of Americans identified themselves as Christian .  That leaves 23.5% of the country wincing everytime Toby Keith opens his mouth in December.  So, we’re taking a stand.

We’re boycotting Wal-Mart , Walgreens, ABC , and all imports from the Arctic Circle.  We’re only reading blogs that refuse to mention the dreaded “C word.”   We’re shouting out of our windows, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

You’re not angry yet?  Here, watch this:

So, let’s talk about the shoe .  It’s funny.  It’s okay to laugh at it.  But to go even further, it’s okay to respect George Bush Jr. for dodging the shoe-icide bomb so gracefully.  I mean, did you see that?  He’s like a cheetah.

And with that said, it’s now officially the time to stop talking about the shoe.  I’m all for beating jokes to death, but we’ve only got 36 days left with this fucktard.  Let’s not remember him for being the almost hapless victim of footwear violence, but for fucking up our country for the last eight years .

Yes, it’s funny, but when we look at the bigger picture, it’s not like he shot a guy in the face .

Here’s how it all went down, in case you missed it:

Ooops.  It’s actually this clip: