The Godless, Baby-Killing Sodomite

“Tripp”?!  Are you fucking kidding me?

The war on Christmas continues.  Number one on our list of demands: less Christmas music.

There is nothing this holiday season that will tell you more potently that it’s the holiday season than Christmas music.  It’s everywhere — in the stores, on the radio, on TV, there’s even people who come to your house to sing this shit.  It wouldn’t be a huge problem if Christmas music was diverse enough to warrant its own genre, but as it stands now, there are only twentyish different Christmas songs that play nonstop, all day, everyday.

All we’re demanding is a little break now and then.  Let’s say every other song is “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer” or “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”  Let’s say we get to hear a little Rage Against the Machine now and then or, your god forbid, some actual Hanukkah music.  We’ve got some great tunes, you know.  “Maoz Zur,” “Ocho Candelitas,” and I don’t have to remind you about “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel.”  There’s also this:

Happy Chanukah, everyone.

How’s the war going, comrades?  Have you mugged any Santas from the Salvation Army yet?  Keep fighting the good fight.

In case you haven’t been paying attention, I was given a “Lemonade Award” from both khlindsey at Polianic and Pauly T. Kal at Political Rants from the Right for showing “great Attitude and/or Gratitude.”  We’re going to change that right now.  Although I’m grateful, I just got an unnecessary blog award a couple months ago and strained to find five other blogs that I could pretend were better than my own.  And rather than having to discover twenty other blogs to pass the award on to, I’ve opted to end this nefarious scheme here.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I now present to you the uncoveted 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award.  Rather than recognizing web logs that provide insightful commentary into the world’s daily happenings , the 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award informs oblivious writers that their attempt to add meaningful dialogue to the Internet has failed.

The 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award is by no means a tool meant to embarass, belittle, or publicly humiliate poor blog writers.  It is an award that offers creative criticism to those who are surrounded by commentators too nice to relate the harsh truth.  The 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award cannot be given to any blog whose ideology you just happen to disagree with.  This award is intended for only the worst of the worst blogs, whose utter lack of proper grammar or well-founded ideas go far beyond the word “stinks,” and settles upon the exclusively terrible category of “sucks.”

I will now mark this historic moment in blogging history by passing on the very first award to allykat of Conservative Ally .  Congratulations, allykat, your constant disregard of rational thought and inability to write a post without bolding every other sentence has truly earned you the 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award.  Use it in good health.

Now all of you have to give the 2009 Uwe Boll “Your Blog Sucks” Award to a blog that sucks.

It had a good run.  It’s been what, 1,500 years ?  Cool.  That seems like a good place to end it.

As I’ve mentioned before, there are other holidays out there, and more importantly, other religions .  The crazies can argue all they want that Christmas brings people together, but they’ll never understand what it feels like to get out of Hebrew school on a Wednesday afternoon and be greeted with a deceptively cheery “Merry Christmas” at the nearby arcade.  They’ll never understand the isolation felt in a department store, slathered with green and red ribbons and images of overweight pedophiles in pajamas, smiling, always smiling.  They’ll never understand the betrayal felt as their favorite sitcom characters — the only two-dimensional people they can actually relate to on this earth — sing with smiles, “We’re not like you.”

In the year 2000, only 76.5% of Americans identified themselves as Christian .  That leaves 23.5% of the country wincing everytime Toby Keith opens his mouth in December.  So, we’re taking a stand.

We’re boycotting Wal-Mart , Walgreens, ABC , and all imports from the Arctic Circle.  We’re only reading blogs that refuse to mention the dreaded “C word.”   We’re shouting out of our windows, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

You’re not angry yet?  Here, watch this:

So, let’s talk about the shoe .  It’s funny.  It’s okay to laugh at it.  But to go even further, it’s okay to respect George Bush Jr. for dodging the shoe-icide bomb so gracefully.  I mean, did you see that?  He’s like a cheetah.

And with that said, it’s now officially the time to stop talking about the shoe.  I’m all for beating jokes to death, but we’ve only got 36 days left with this fucktard.  Let’s not remember him for being the almost hapless victim of footwear violence, but for fucking up our country for the last eight years .

Yes, it’s funny, but when we look at the bigger picture, it’s not like he shot a guy in the face .

Here’s how it all went down, in case you missed it:

Ooops.  It’s actually this clip:

So, it’s been a while.  My bad.

There’s just not a whole lot of stuff to complain about right now in the sphere that happens to be political.  Obama won , the California Supreme Court is going to do what they should have done months ago , and an Illinois governor proved that free market capitalism isn’t always the best system .  There’s honestly nothing that godless, baby-killing sodomites can rant about right now without a somewhat-deserved eye roll from the crazies .

But I’ll find a way.  Did you know Wal-Mart doesn’t carry a single menorah, dreidel, or Kwanzaa candle (mishumaa saba, duh)?  The Salvation Army bell ringers/homeless people say “Merry Christmas” over “Happy Holidays,” and every sales sign has been personally approved by Joseph Goebbels .  That should keep me busy for at least another month.

In other news, The Godless, Baby-Killing Sodomite has won a “Lemonade Award ” from khlindsey over at Polianiac , which means I have to find and share ten other blogs and pretend that they’re as good as mine.  Stay tuned.