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Archive for November, 2008

Nov 21 2008

In Keith Olbermann We Trust

Published by bill_finger under Uncategorized Edit This

Here’s my thing with Keith Olbermann: He’s smart, he’s eloquent, he’s absolutely right almost 100% of the time, but he’s the perfect example of narrow-minded news pundits who relay their broad ideologies like recent college graduates with blogs about their favorite superheroes .  That very fact alone should disqualify him from being allowed on the air.  But if Bill O’Reilly gets to continue spouting his stupid, stupid drivel every night, we get to keep Keith Olbermann.

Anyways, Keith was on fire a few nights ago about the Biblicly riotous Prop 8 in California (Arizona, Florida, and Arkanasas are presumed to receive their spankings later).  Here it is for those of you who missed it:

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5 responses so far

Nov 16 2008

Pink is the New Black

Published by bill_finger under Uncategorized Edit This

Can someone please explain to me what makes marriage such a holy, sacred union?  Can anyone name the patent office God used when He invented this thing?  Because I cannot for the life of me think of a single reason to vote on a measure that would deny marriage rights to a specific group of people.  Neither can these people:
Get ready to take back every gay joke you ever made, because these fairies are out for blood.  Even if the laws in California, Arizona, Florida, and Arkansas don’t get overturned as a result of these protests, this has still broken plenty of stereotypes about the LGBT community. Conservatives are actually afraid of the gays now; not just afraid that the gays will turn their kids into Barbara Streisand-worshiping male strippers, but that they’re actually violent, they can kick ass.  How kick ass is that?

Just imagine the angry black man fear replaced by the angry gay man.  Imagine the Griswold family locking their car doors when they get to San Francisco.  Imagine the first openly gay US presidential candidate having to worry about his gay radical former pastor.

Imagine a United States of America where more weight is given to the Constitution than to a 2,000 year old, translated book.

2 responses so far

Nov 12 2008

President Obama Doesn’t Have a Sex Scandal Yet

Published by bill_finger under Uncategorized Edit This

So leave the guy alone.  These crazy pe — I mean, “conservatives” — are jumping up and down every time Obama appoints a new loyalist to his administration or insults a former First Lady.

Embedded video from <a href=”http://www.cnn.com/video”>CNN Video</a>

It’s been only over a week now since he was elected.  Can we hold off on writing the articles of impeachment until January 20th?  Hell, I’ll settle for December 20th, as long as you people just shut up.

Even Grandpa John and Saracuda are getting ready to sing “Kumbaya” with the next president, so can the rest of you please shut up?  Hope beat fear with 364 electoral votes and 53% of the popular vote .  If you think socialism kills your babies and rapes your teenage daughters, you’re officially in a minority.  Go here to express your irrational opinions, and then shut up.

Until Inauguration Day comes, you can complain about this:

4 responses so far

Nov 06 2008

Railin’ Palin

Published by bill_finger under Uncategorized Edit This

Also, this makes me smirk:

2 responses so far

Nov 06 2008

Homophobia’s Gay

Published by bill_finger under Uncategorized Edit This

Two days ago, over 64,337,005 Americans chose hope over fear, electing Barack Hussein Obama (it’s safe to use his middle name now) the 44th president of the United States of America.  And it never felt better to be an American.

Two days ago,  Arizona, Florida, and California chose bigotry over equality, banning same-sex marriages in their states.  And I never felt more ashamed to be an American, much less an Arizonan.

We’ve made a historic first step towards progress, towards ensuring that people like Elizabeth Dole remain institutionalized, but we still have plenty of work to do.  Luckily, you already got the memo (cue Buffalo Springfield’s For What It’s Worth).

Over the next four years, be ready not to elect change, but to make it.  We’ve already proven that a black guy with a funny name can reach the highest office in the country; now let’s show the world that love is stonger than hate, words are stronger than bullets, and freedom is stronger than green pieces of paper.  Yes we can.

2 responses so far

Nov 03 2008

Seriously, Fuck the Second Amendment

Published by bill_finger under Uncategorized Edit This

I got quite a bit of feedback from my last post about how guns are the illegitimate children of Satan and Charlton Heston , and it only seemed fair to address these issues in the form of another patronizing, self-righteous post.

The most common line of defense from the gun toters is that a ban on guns will only take away weapons from the good people (I’m not even going to try to explain the fallacy of the phrase “good people”).

First off, this is the same logic that we use to defend abortion — if we ban abortion, women will still have them, and they’ll be less safe.  If this is your reason for owning a gun, you better be ready to support abortion.

Secondly, of course some criminals would still find ways to get their hands on guns.  The point is, they’d have to do it illegally, meaning that these evildoers (again, I’m biting my tongue), could be arrested and prosecuted for owning firearms before they shot twelve year old boys trick-or-treating .  If we’re really concerned about home invasion, we can invest in security systems, we can take self-defense classes, we can raise Rottweilers, we can demand a stronger and more efficient police force.  We can work to make living conditions better for would-be criminals, we can legalize and regulate the sex and drug industries to ensure that the workers of these businesses can feel safe.  We don’t have to shoot everyone trying to steal our TVs.

And of course, we can’t stop murder, as the pro-killers often remind us.  There will always be knives, screwdrivers, piano wires, and bows and arrows — but these are nothing compared to the quick, unstoppable force of a single bullet.  If T.J. Darrisaw ’s attacker was limited to a box cutter, he could still be alive today enjoying a Three Musketeers bar.

Then there’s the Constitution.  The Second Amendment is apparently sacred to the urban cowboys, on par with the likes of the Sixth Commandment (that’s the not-killing one).  What they forget is that this same constitution once labeled a black man as being equal to three-fifths of a white man and prohibited the production of alcohol .  The founding fathers knew that no document could withstand the tests of time.  Back in 1776, it was perfectly reasonable to assume that a woman’s voice counted for nothing, slavery was the backbone of the nation’s economy, and every citizen could own a musket to defend themselves from an encroaching government.  But it’s 2008 now, and none of those values are still logical.  There’s a reason these things are called “amendments”; laws can be amended.

They ask, “What if the government gets out of control?  What if Czar Obama sends his secret police force after us?”  They lament, “If only Anne Frank had an Uzi.”

They’re reading too much George Orwell.  But assuming that they’re right, that the government will grow too big, reducing the US to a totalitarian police state, there’s not much a group of rednecks can do with their hunting rifles.  In the 21st century, information is the strongest weapon around.  No dictatorship, no matter how powerful, can stop the flow of information.  Remember that it wasn’t an army of rebellious citizens that torn down the Berlin Wall in 1989, it was the fax machine.

Finally, it can’t be denied that guns have saved private citizens’ lives on occasions.  Everyone has the right to defend himself, and the practical use of firearms has indeed given second chances to countless Americans.  But at some point we must askat what cost?

4 responses so far

Nov 02 2008

Fuck the Second Amendment

Published by bill_finger under Uncategorized Edit This

I want you to read this article , and then come up with one good reason as to why every American should be entitled to an AK-47.  I want you to name one specific time when a gun saved someone’s life.  And I’ll give you ten stories to repudiate it .

I want you to defend the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution, keeping in mind that this same constitution once labeled a black man as being equal to three-fifths of a white man and prohibited the production of alcohol .

I want you to explain why — in the year 2008 — it’s completely legal for ex-convicts with PTSD to carry around machines that are meant to kill people.

I want this to be the last news story that makes me cry.

9 responses so far

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