The Godless, Baby-Killing Sodomite

Guess the biggest demographic constantly ridiculed and attacked for their unshakable beliefs.

Embedded video from <a href=”http://www.cnn.com/video”>CNN Video</a>
Embedded video from <a href=”http://www.cnn.com/video”>CNN Video</a>

Atheists.

Like it or not, the godless, baby-killing sodomites of America are Americans too.  And we’re tired of being ostracized by a party that preaches nothing but hate towards anyone who can’t agree with them.  We may not have a god, but we do have feelings.  I want to say the red team is desperate, but even that’s no excuse for such inflammatory divisiveness.  Imagine if Elizabeth Dole’s ad had replaced the word “godless” with “black,” “women,” “Jews.”

Imagine if we elected leaders based on their faith in the US Constitution rather than a 2,000 year old book.  Imagine if every politician trusted his brain over his gut.  Imagine if we looked beyond the demographics and instead avowed ourselves to be unyielding believers in the power of Love.

I’ve imagined this world, and I hope to see it on November 4th, 2008.

I’ve said it before , I’ve said it again , and I’ll say it one more time: conservatives aren’t funny.

This time I offer you the paranoid ramblings of the brain behind Seinfeld and Curb You Enthusiasm, Larry David.  Larry’s concerned that things are going too well for Obama right now and some shit will hit the fan before November 4th.  The full article can be read here , but I’ll offer you a little nosh here:

Five times a day I’ll still say to someone, “I don’t know what I’m going to do if McCain wins.” Of course, the reality is I’m probably not going to do anything. What can I do? I’m not going to kill myself. If I didn’t kill myself when I became impotent for two months in 1979, I’m certainly not going to do it if McCain and Palin are elected, even if it’s by nefarious means.

I’ve been feeling the exact same way for the past few weeks now (there’s a reason I write my posts at three in the morning), and I’m just preparing myself for the next smear tactic the red team throws out there.  Will it be a sex scandal?  An embarrasing YouTube clip from That One’s college days? Or a classic “I served with this guy in Vietnam and he was a dick” routine?

Then there’s all the problems going on with voting already — from political purging to discreet discouragement .  Why doesn’t anyone from the red team seem so concerned about a stolen election?  Richard Lewis can answer that for you.

One week to go.  Serenity now!

The contest is over.  I still have $666, which means there is no God.  And I’m using some of that money to reserve my copy of Who’s Naylin’ Paylin?

After receiving a single entry from a contestant who wishes to remain nameless, the blatant inaction of my millions of readers indisputably asserts that the existence of God cannot be rationally proven.  I thank this anonymous reader for her (or his – nah, who am I kidding? — it’s her) attempt, but some godless, baby-killing sodomites just can’t be saved.  Let’s just call her. . . “diverseavian.”  No, that’s too obvious.  Let’s call her “birdofeclecticism.”

Unfortunately, I have bigger problems to deal with now than just religion.  This whole contest started when I saw Bill Maher’s Religulous, and became convinced that all religion is a scam that leads to hate and violence.  But now I just saw Quarantine, so I’m terrified that as soon as I turn off the light, a zombie’s going to jump out and eat me.

Either I don’t have enough crazy — ahem, I mean religious – readers or they just don’t like money.  I’m still offering $666 to anyone who can convince me that there is a god who cares about me.  The offer ends on Thursday, October 23rd, 2008 at 2:51 AM (Pacific Time), or until I’ve seen a substantial increase in site traffic (i.e., Christmas).

Meanwhile, I’m becoming godlesser by the minute.

Somebody save me.

As I’ve just shown, I like cartoons , so bonus points to anyone who can convert me with holy animation.  Porn is good, too.  Actually, triple bonus points for any holy cartoon porn (i.e., hentai).

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Conservatives aren’t funny .

Richard Lewis proved to Jon Stewart that he may look like a raving, Jewish lunatic, but that doesn’t stop him from being absolutely right (and incredibly funny).  Maybe I’m a little too tired at three in the morning, maybe I shouldn’t have cracked open two bottles of Boone’s Farm, maybe shoving that crayon up my nose in first grade wasn’t the best idea, but right now this is the most reasonable, unbiased take on the 2008 election I’ve ever seen:

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=188576&title=Richard-Lewis

I want you guys to tell me immediately if Dennis Miller does anything close to being as funny as this.

Don’t forget to win $666 .

I just watched Religulous tonight — Bill Maher’s cinematic slap-in-the-face to every religion on earth — and I must say, I’m inspired.  I have passion.  I am fully devout.  Never before have I been so firm in my undying belief that all undying beliefs are stupid.

So, I’m starting a contest.  Starting right here, right now, I’m announcing that anyone who can convince me that there is a god out there who genuinely cares about my life will earn $666 of my hard-worked money.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “But, Bill,” — let’s assume my name is Bill — “You’re obviously steadfast in your belief that there is no God.  There’s no point in arguing with damned.”  Look, Christian — I’ll assume your name is Christian — one of the basic tenets of all Judeo-Christian religions is that the word (or works) of God speak for themselves, that just by pointing out God’s omnipresent love, any godless, baby-killing sodomite can be saved.  I could be wrong.  Tell me if I’m wrong.

More importantly, tell me that there’s a place for religion in me.  Any religion, I don’t care.  Islam, Buddhism, Shinto, Scientology.  I’d recommend staying away from Judaism; I forcibily studied Judiasm for about two decades and can only recognize myself as being culturally Jewish (i.e., I get to make the jokes ).

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  “But, Jared,”  — I want to be Jared now — “How can we trust that you’ll actually hand over $666?  Couldn’t you just lie to us?”  I could.  But that wouldn’t be very Christian of me.  Or Muslim, or whatever.  But if I actually had a force in my life that directed me and instilled confidence in me, that . . . well, that would priceless.

Start your timers now because this contest ends one week from now on Thurday, October 23rd, 2008 at 2:51 AM (Pacific Time).  Leave a comment here with your best pitch or e-mail me through the link on the right side of the page.

Amen.

Rest assured, this isn’t a post about Alaska Governor and Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin.  This is a post about porn.

If you haven’t heard about Larry Flynt’s ambitious Who Nailin’ Paylin? featuring Lisa Ann as Governor Serra Paylin in her erotic journey as a vice-presidential candidate that eventually culminates into a three-way between herself, Senator Hillary Clinton, and Secretary of State Condeleezza Rice, then you’re not reading enough Hustler.  The script was completed in a mere three days and production is already underway to accommodate a pre-election release date.

The script can be viewed here , but I’ll give you the safe-for-work highlights.  Serra Paylin is reading the latest issue of Today’s MILF when there’s a knock on the door.  Two sexy Soviet soldiers explain to Ms. Paylin that they’ve crashed their tank and must call the Kremlin, which of course is Russian for “tow truck.”  It just gets better from there.  Take a look at this piece of romantic dialogue that puts Billy Shakespeare to shame:

YOUNG SERRA: Professor, I’m awfully sorry to pester ya, but I was wondering if you knew any good rituals that protect against witchcraft.

PROFESSOR: Of course I do, but you’re going to have to trust me.

YOUNG SERRA: You seem like a regular, upstanding fella.  I trust you 100 percent.

PROFESSOR: Don’t be alarmed if I start speaking in tongues.

I don’t say this often — in fact I can’t remember a time I said this that wasn’t sarcastic — but gosh darnit this is one of those news items that just deserves that always uninterpretable phrase: God bless America!

Who is John Sidney McCain?

John Sidney McCain claims he’s the only qualified man in this race to be the next Commander-in-Chief.  But did you know that John Sidney McCain isn’t a man at all?  It’s true.  Just look at his middle name.  Sidney.  That’s a chick’s name.  John Sidney McCain is a woman.

Now the issue isn’t the fact that John Sidney McCain is a woman, it’s that she’s lied and continues to lie about it.  It’s a factor about Senator McCain’s candor and truthfulness with the American people.   Americans should question why she would lie to them.  Does John Sidney McCain have the right judgment and candor to lead America?

Need more proof that John Sidney McCain is a woman?  Did you know that she’s palled around with fellow women for the past 72 years?  Women completely unrepentant about being women?  John Sidney McCain is not a woman who sees America as you see America and as I see America.

John Sidney McCain — too risky for America.

If you’re like me (a rational, patient, curious, and generally-accepting human being), you hate Bill O’Reilly with every bone in your body.  You’re not alone.  The FOX “News” pundit whose made an entire career out of being a douchebag to everyone who doesn’t completely agree with him has made countless enemies in an entirely new, virtual culture war.  Welcome to the Spin Zone.

First up is OReilly-Sucks.com .  The author of this blog attacks everyone on the red team — Republicans, conservatives, Lucifer, and the mascot of them all, William “Fuck it!  We’ll do it live!  We’ll do it live!” O’Reilly.  New posts are added daily and there’s even polls where readers can vote as to which major news network is the most biased and which cable news anchor is hurting America the most (guess who’s winning).

Then there’s the aptly-named SweetJesusIHateBillOReilly.com .  This blog, spawned from the obviously unbiased book, Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O’Reilly , includes links to every stupid thing Billy has done.  As you may imagine, it’s frequently updated.  The best talking points of the site, however, can be seen in the shop section, which includes official “Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O’Reilly” T-shirts, mugs, and infant onesies — the perfect gift for that little, godless, baby-killing sodomite in your life.

Now for the cutest, most hateful thing you’ll ever see:

Heck, there’s no debatin’ it, is there? Y’all watched the debate , right? Sarah Barracuda proved tonight that she’s just like us, a regular Joe Six-Pack. She goes to kids’ soccer games, and sits round the kitchen table with her man, and she even uses the word “darn” when she gets all riled-up. And it’s about time we had Average Joe in the White House. We don’t want no more of these intellectual, East Coast, Hollywood types in the position of president and vice president.

We’re sick of seeing the same smooth-talkin’, liberal fruits out there talkin’ about how they wanna take away our guns.

Isn’t it about time we had a leader we could see ourselves havin’ a beer with?

We need real change in America. See, those media elites aren’t used to seeing a real American running for office, so they play “gotcha” games, trying to get poor Palin to actually answer questions on the issues that concern our fundamentally strong population. And of course it’s sexism. I mean, here’s a lady who’s electrified the conservative base and has proven she’s a real reformer . Darn those mainstream media types. Darn them to hell!

Luckily, Mooselini told them tonight, “Thanks but no thanks on those interviews to nosuccessfulpolls.” And she’s made it abundantly clear that we’re done with the Washington politics as usual. It’s time to go against the good ol’ boys. We must take the maverick out of the Senate, and keep him there. Ooops. I mean, John McCain’s a war hero, you know.

Now, folks, before y’all get on my case about talking down to the “non-intellectuals,” let me argue with ya about why we shouldn’t be so impressed with Governor Palincomparison’s performance tonight. You know, we have an expression here in Arizona, and I think it fits here too: “You can put lipstick on a pig , but Sarah Palin is a complete idiot.” We’re not the best when it comes to short anecdotes.

Stumble It!