The Godless, Baby-Killing Sodomite

Is that too much?  I don’t care if I can’t see myself having a beer with her or watching a football game with him, just as long as he/she knows the locations, leaders, and histories of foreign countries.

I want a president who can multitask.  A competent leader can work on legislation to help citizens facing serious economic problems and set aside two hours to debate his opponent.  It also wouldn’t hurt if it took him less than ten days to realize that the economy is in a crisis.

I want a president who knows how to use the computer.  Again, I don’t think this is asking too much.  It’s 2008, and if my 84 year old grandmother with Alzheimer’s is able to get online and open a defunct PayPal account, I think the president of the United States of America should be just as capable, if not more.

I want a president who knows that the world cannot be divided between “good guys” and “bad guys.”  This incredibly simplistic mentality is akin to gradeschool children playing “cops and robbers.”  It’s childish and it’s exactly what George Bush Jr. has been spouting out for the past eight years.

I want a president who, after saying something unbelievably stupid like “Being in proximity to Russia gives me plenty of experience in foreign policy,” realizes her mistake and is able to apologize for assuming that the American people are dumb enough to swallow such utter drivel.  It’s a stupid stupid thing to say, and it’s even stupider for continuing to defend it.  I live in Arizona, and if Governor Janet Napolitano were to claim that being next to Mexico gave her insight into foriegn relations, I would immediately call for her removal from office.

Stumble It!

This isn’t so much an attack on Sarah Palin as it is against the McCain campaign.  The woman is getting way too much attention from everyone and the simple reason is that she’s a joke.  She’s the end of a joke, a joke we’ve heard dozens of times already, a joke two fourth-graders tell each other on the playground but then shrug their shoulders as to why they aren’t laughing.  “Sarah Palin” has become the equivalent of “your mom.”

When an interviewer asks her tough questions, he’s being condescending.  When reporters head to her home state to learn more about the next possible leader of the United States, the liberal media is out to get her.  But when she meets with foreign leaders to discuss how many children they have, she has foreign policy experience.

And then there’s the debates.  For the vice-presidential debates, GI John’s goons pushed for shorter blocks of time for statements .  A good ol’ fashioned soundbyte off.  They said — and I’m not making this shit up — that they want everyone’s favorite hockey mom “to have opportunities to present Mr. McCain’s positions, rather than spending time talking about her experience or playing defense.”  Afterall, it’s not like this is a debate.

Well, the joke’s over.  We’re not fourth-graders, so stop trying to feed us bullshit stories about her devotion to her family or her experience as a reformer or her inability to blink.  It’s time for her handlers to let her loose and answer the question on everybody’s minds: Governor Palin, why do you like to kill baby polar bears?

Stumble It!

A conversation with a fellow godless, baby-killing sodomite today and the failed efforts of another political blogger to find something funny against liberals  helped me realize the undeniable truth of it all: conservatives aren’t funny.  We have the thought-provoking wit of Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, Al Franken, Janeane Garofalo, and countless others, while the other side has. . . well, that’s the problem.

The core of this quandry lies with the audience.  Ellis Weiner, some Jewy liberal, said it best in his article “Why Conservatives Aren’t Funny “:

These are the people who parrot, on cue, the latest talking point that “liberals” are “full of rage” because they “hate America.” But all you have to do is tap a Dittohead on the shoulder and you’ll hear that something, or everything, has gone “wrong.” Things aren’t “the way they’re supposed to be.” Grievance, injustice, the feeling that somewhere (probably “Hollywood”) some pampered poof is living high on the hog while we — the real people, the decent people, God’s people — have to take it on the chin, is the emotional background music to every Red State day.

There’s been plenty of studies suggesting correlations between humor and intelligence , humor and creativity , and humor and social competence .  I’ve been trying to think of something funny to say on this topic, but I can’t.  Shit, maybe I’m becoming one of them!  Ha!  Okay, that was funny.

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Jumping from burnt fish sticks to stale tortillas , Jesus Christ, son of God, savior of all mankind, can now be seen on the ceiling of an Arkansas City weight loss center.

SPOILER ALERT!

Jesus actually doesn’t give a shit about your fat ass.

The whole “everyone needs to vote” craze is sweeping the media again, but I’m begging you right now, if you’re one of those people who think Jesus shows up in the form of water stains to give people encouragement to lose weight, please please please do not vote on November 4th.  Do something productive.  Stay home and pray for world peace or to win the lottery.

To everyone else, let’s elect leaders who make decisions based on logic rather than what their greasy foods suggest .

Stumble It!

Let me introduce you to some of my new friends.  Here’s Basil:

Awww!

Pamela and Harvey:

Aaaawwwwww!

Oswald:

Aaaaaaaaaaawwwwwww!

Selina, Victor, and Edward:

Harley, Jack, and Arnold love soda:

I don’t care if you like Sarah Palin because she sells planes on eBay, or because she’s a working mom, or because she knows where Russia is, or because she charges rape victims for rape kits, or because she isn’t one of the “good ol’ boys,” or because she’s the kind of gal you could see yourself having a beer with.  I care about polar bears.

And in May of this year, the Bush Adminstration showed that they too cared about polar bears and moved to protect the species under the Endangered Species Act.  Not everyone agreed.  Palin sued the Bush Administration because giving the polar bears an “endangered” status would get in the way of drilling for Alaskan gas and oil.  Never mind the fact that scientists claim two-thirds of the polar bear population would disappear in the next 50 years due to rapid ice melting in the Arctic.  Never mind the fact the National Snow and Ice Data Centre reported “that the total Arctic ice cover had melted to its lowest level in modern times, and that if melting rates continued the summertime Arctic could be ice-free within 80 years.”  Then again, Sarah Palin has never really minded global warming.  That can’t be a part of “God’s plan ,” can it?

Sarah Palin’s “Drill, baby, drill” mantra would put all my friends’ lives at risk for a resource we wouldn’t see until 2030 .  What does my friend Bane think of that?

Let it be known that I’m all for killing polar bear fetuses (or feti?).

According to The Washington Post, Obama’s plan to reduce taxes for 95% of Americans is more than just a good speech .  The analysis, conducted by the Tax Policy Center , reveals that while both candidates’ plans would reduce taxes for the majority of Americans, Obama’s plan would give greater tax cuts to citizens making less than $111,645 and heavily tax Americans making more than $603,403 (1.1% of the nation).  Meanwhile, GI John’s plan would cut taxes for everyone, with the biggest cuts going to whoever has the highest income.

Now, I’m no economist, but I do have a Bachelor’s degree in English.  And in my professional opinion, the only people making more than 2.87 million dollars a year are Scrooge McDuck and Cindy McCain.  Staunch supporters of McSame are claiming that his plan is better for all Americans, and that by reducing taxes for the super-wealthy, these effects will “trickle down” to the peasants.  Because the rich love to pass on their savings to those less fortunate.

Let’s be honest.  I’m not going to lose any sleep if John McBush would have to sell one of his houses under the Obama plan.  Millions of Americans are born in the most financially unstable conditions while a privledged few are born with what we English graduates call “silver spoons in their mouths.”

I consider myself privledged to have been able to attend college and have health insurance without having to worry about financial constraints.  I see my friends struggling with multiple jobs just to pay off their gas-guzzling cars and I realize just how lucky I am.  Even if Obama’s tax proposal would raise my own taxes (which some experts are warning), I would gladly contribute to a government that made transportation, education, and health care more affordable for the less fortunate.  I would be more than willing to put my country, or rather, my “countrymen,” first before trusting Exxon and Wal-Mart to do so for me.

Stumble It!

Certain other bloggers drew my attention to the fact that a large number of Americans are putting more faith into a book written thousands of years ago by a bunch of rich men than in the US Constitution.  We haven’t attacked religion on here for a while, and with Sarah Plain claiming that God has a “plan” for America involving the war in Iraq and oil pipelines, it really is time to convince everyone that God doesn’t give a damn about America, or any nation for that matter.

In my experience, the basic principle of conservatism (correct me if I’m wrong) seems to be that God is real and genuinely cares about whatever is happening in the United States of America.

Bullshit.

Let’s get serious, folks.  The universe is larger than our wildest imaginations and older than John McCain.  If an omnipresent, all-knowing being is responsible for this, I highly doubt that he cares what a small nation on a small planet of a small galaxy do.  God doesn’t care if you masturbate.  God doesn’t care if you flush a large sea monkey out of your vagina.  God doesn’t care if you bone a person of the same sex.  God doesn’t care if our soldiers are fighting against people who don’t believe in Him.  God doesn’t care because God gave you free will; and if He really did give a shit about people comparing Him to a black guy with a funny name , He should really update us more than just once every two thousand years.

I’ll let Father George take it from here (who I assure you is not sitting next to an invisible man on a chair made of clouds):

Stumble It!

I’ve been avoiding a discussion about Sarah Palin partly because she’s getting far too much attention from the media than she deserves , and partly because I’m still not entirely convinced that this whole thing isn’t just a dream.  John McCain, what the hell have you become?!

I thought the interview with Charlie Gibson would lay to rest a lot of my fears, but I feel like I now know even less about this hockey mom who someday may have to look into Vladmir Putin’s eyes and see his soul .  She quickly scooted away from the topics of homosexuality and abortion; while stressing for a smaller government, she never mentioned if these would be issues the states should control.  So, there weren’t a whole lot of “yes” or “no” answers here.  Actually there weren’t a whole lot of answers.  When Charlie asked about national security, Saracuda started to talk about energy.  When Charlie asked about the economy, Saracuda started to talk about smaller government.  When Charlie asked about Pakistan. . . I don’t even know what she was trying to say there.

She was obviously coached for her first interview–her first time speaking without a teleprompter for the same “good ol’ boys” speech–and fed answers beforehand, but the problem is she matched them up with the wrong questions.  And when she ad-libbed, the results were pretty disastrous.

GIBSON: What insight into Russian actions, particularly in the last couple of weeks, does the proximity of the state [of Alaska] give you?

PALIN: They’re our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska.

Shoot me.

The only thing I can look forward to now is how Jon will spin all this.  Until then, we have this:

Stumble It!

 What happened to both candidates promising to run clean campaigns? What happened to the millions of Americans outraged over the 2004 election’s swift boat politics and 527s? I thought that we were different, that we learned something. I honestly believed that the major factor for voters would be the candidates platforms rather than their personalities.

Oh, how wrong I was. I thought Karl Rove was just a man, but it’s obvious he’s become something else now–an omnipresent, inescapable cloud of bullshit. Tell me, how did we come to this?

Here’s the mentality of the McCain camp: Sarah Palin called herself a pitbull with lipstick to highlight her ability to blend aggressiveness with femininity. Barack Obama used a common expression (used by John McCain himself) involving lipstick and a pig without mentioning the Republican vice presidential candidate at all. Barack Obama was obviously being sexist to Sarah Palin.

What?! Even Mike Huckabee’s calling bullshit on this one.

And why isn’t Sarah Palin upset that when her campaign hears the word “pig” they automatically think of her? Furthermore, when did pigs get such a bad rep? If anyone’s a victim here, it’s this guy:

Now can we get back to the things that really matter ?

Stumble It!

Well, do you?  Because apparently, 47% of Americans don’t.  The latest polls show Slick Johnny ahead of Obama by two points , which is mind boggling to me, Anderson Cooper, this guy , and. . . well, just about everybody I’ve spoken to.  I’ve yet to meet a single person admit to supporting John McCain for president of the United States–and I live in his state of Arizona!

The problem people are–just as they were in 2000 and 2004–in the small towns, “rural America.”  Kentucky, Ohio, Montana, Nebraska, the states you don’t hear about unless it’s related to the world’s largest ball of twine.  These are the people who listen to the Republicans’ outright lies and campaign slogans with no other news sources.  I’m not saying people in small towns are ignorant hicks, they just. . . actually, I am saying that.

People in small towns are ignorant hicks.

We keep hearing the term “culture war” on the news, as if this is a new battle being fought across America.  The elitist, self-righteous liberals against the constantly-ignored, god-fearing Americans.  This isn’t anything new.  It’s this same mentality that left us with eight years of George Bush Jr.  And guess what?  Maybe if the beloved demographic of “family values” paid more attention to the political climate and turned to FOX News more than once every four years, politicians would be more inclined to give them some real intellectual fodder rather than just yelling out, “The black guy wants to raise your taxes!”

And I don’t want to whine about race being an issue here, because I severely hope it isn’t.  But I honestly cannot think of any other reason why Americans would give George Bush Jr. a 30% approval rating and then vote for the guy who’s agreed with said dumbfuck over 90% of the time.  These are facts, people!  John McCain would continue the same failed policies of the Bush administration, and he has the audacity to call his campaign the true party of change!

There’s a reason why we haven’t heard McCain call the president by name, there’s a reason why he picked an incredibly polarizing figure for vice president, and there’s a reason why he can’t give a speech without mentioning how much he love America; John McCain is George Bush and he doesn’t want 70% of the population to remember this.

Augh!  I’m too angry.  I’ll let Father Bill take it from here:

Stumble It!